Conquering Your "Shoulds"

One of the things that prevent us from reaching out to our dreams is the long list of "shoulds" each of us carries around with us.  This list is endless.  "I should be making a lot of money." "I should be working harder." "I should be getting a "real" job." "I should be pursuing a serious career." "I should be taking science." "I should just suck it up."  "I should be tough." "I should be generous." "I should be more sociable." "I should be nice." These are just some of things I hear my clients say to themselves as they attempt to sort out what they "should" be doing with their lives.

I've come to think of these "shoulds" as something like a restraining device on our spirits.  They act on us like a bridle on a horse - to make sure that we keep on running hard but don't get too wild, and that we run only in the direction we are supposed to.

Not only do we assimilate these "shoulds" into our own systems:  we generously share them with our friends.  We tell them what they should or shouldn't do just as freely as we do this to ourselves, and, in turn, we get a dose of the same every time we turn to them for advice.

"Shoulds" can be particularly vicious at times of change, and the possibility of a career change provokes a whole bevy of them to raise their ugly heads, complete with excuses, logical arguments, and explanations.  It's amazing to realize that we are the first ones to sabotage our own dreams with our own internal voices.

We tell ourselves that we should continue on our current career path, even though it has long lost its meaning for us - because otherwise people will say we are quitters.  We say that we should just suck it up with the job we have - because that's what everybody is doing, or because there is nothing else out there for us, or because we are too old to switch, or because we are too young and don't have enough experience.  We convince ourselves that we should be focusing on earning a living and saving up for retirement, not fantasizing about traveling to an exotic country, starting up a fashion boutique or working on a cruise ship. 

Whether these are the voices of our parents or some other influential adults in our lives, the amazing thing is that these people don't even have to say anything anymore:  we are doing their job for them!   

Debunking the "shoulds" is the first step toward liberating oursevles from the limiting beliefs that prevent us from following our authentic paths in life.  Here's what you could try to jump-start the process.

1. Get attuned to your internal dialogue and start noticing when the "shoulds" pop up.
2. Jot down every "should" you hear yourself saying to yourself. Pay particular attention to the tone of the "shoulds."  The "shoulds" that are really vicious are the ones that are pronounced in a really unkind manner, like a staff sergeant ordering a new recruit to do a hundred push-ups.
3. Once you've accumulated a solid list, sit down in a quiet place and start going through the list, taking on each "should" one by one.  Try to recognize where each particular "should" came from.  Did your Mom used to tell you that? Your Dad?  Your Aunt Zoe?  Your best friend? Ask yourself:  Why should I do this, really?  How does it serve me at this point in my life?
4. Now that you realize that many, if not most, of these "shoulds" don't even belong to you, ask yourself:  What would you, not your family or friends, like to do with your life? Write these down as intentions that are going to replace your "shoulds."
5. If you find yourself saying that "everyone" lives according to these same "shoulds," ask yourself how true this really is. Who are the people you know who don't follow those "shoulds" and yet live happy and successful lives?   
6. As you proceed with this exercise, realize that each of the "shoulds" was probably originally introduced into your life for your protection. The adults in your life just wanted you to succeed - it's just that their view of success quite likely was different from your own and that you are now strong enough to survive without this protection.
7. Finally, release your "shoulds."  You can invent your own ritual for doing that - for example, by cutting up or burning your list of "shoulds."  As you do this, you can say something like this:  "I thank my family and friends for having provided me with these mechanisms to protect me when I was a child.  But I am a grown-up now and they don't serve me anymore.  Instead of following the "shoulds," I intend to follow my own voice and pursue my own vision of happiness and success."

If you succeed in conquering your "shoulds," you will have made an important step toward your dreams.

What "shoulds" have you found operating in your life?  Which of the ones you discovered surprised you?  Which ones have you found to be particularly hard to release?  What intentions are you replacing them with?  Share your thoughts with us.

Comments

[Sophya]

Thank you, Izabella. This is very good point. I thought that I should be an actress, or I should use that (another) opportunity and run my own newspaper, or I should..I should do this and I should do that. However, my life is almost over...I have done something, but from time to time I think that if I were... ,I would ...it would be better, if I should...etc.
I would like your topic attract as many people as it can. It helps them to achieve a lot in present time. Thank you very much.
Sophya
I should learn English better...:)))

[Izabella]

Thank you, Mom :) I love you. Your point is so important. Ultimately, when we let ourselves dwell too much on what did or didn't happen in the past, we are drawing energy away from the present and from our ability to make the most of today. Among the world's spiritual traditions, Buddhism is probably the one that has communicated this issue most urgently and emphatically: the present is all we have, because the past is gone and the future is never here. There is only here and now, and dwelling in the past or worrying about the future makes us miss our lives altogether.